


Rage, Rage

by anri



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Kinda, M/M, but it is happy in the end, it is not happy, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-04-22 14:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4839695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anri/pseuds/anri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima Kei is fifteen years old, and his life is unraveling rapidly.<br/>He has a massive crush on his best friend. He can't focus on work or volleyball.<br/>And his father is dying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crash

**Author's Note:**

> And you, my father, there on the sad height,  
> Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.  
> Do not go gentle into that good night.  
> Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

No matter how much Kei grumbled and groaned, one thing he could not deny was that he liked Tadashi a lot. There were lots of things he liked about him. He didn’t get on well with obnoxious people, which was why he had taken an instant dislike towards Shouyou and Tobio. He didn’t like ignorant people, which, once again, was why he did not like those two. Actually, when thinking about it, there were a lot of characteristics he didn’t like – the vast majority of which could be found in that oddball duo. But he liked Tadashi. He liked his intelligence – whilst he wasn’t as bright as Kei was, he had a different kind of an intelligence. Emotional intelligence – a sensitivity towards other people, and a sense for what they were feeling without asking. That was one of Kei’s favourite things about him, because he didn’t like talking. He found it infinitely difficult to try and explain what he felt, so not having to around Tadashi was a relief.

Another thing he liked about Tadashi was his home. He had a nice house – fairly modern and clean, with a big back garden. He had a nice family, too. Mother, father, an older sister and a younger brother. Not to mention his two dogs, which were energetic, but not to an irritating point. He liked his home for the quietness, but also the overwhelming feeling of love.

It was because of that he often spent the weekend at the Yamaguchi residence. He’d asked, in the early days. He’d asked if it was possible for him to stay the weekend at their house, and the Yamaguchis had accepting him with open arms.  He’d stopped asking a few months before he began attending high school, because he’d been sleeping over at Tadashi’s for so long half of the contents of his room had migrated, and quite honestly it would be more effort than it was worth to remove it all now.

 

Things began to fall apart for Kei on a Sunday afternoon in the summer. They’d both finished their homework the day before, and were free to doze in that day. That was why it was late afternoon when the two of them finally stepped outside to enjoy the day. Kei held a book in his hand, and he sat down across from his friend on the grass. “Are you sure about that book?” Tadashi asked, raising an eyebrow as he placed a cushion behind him, before leaning back. “Yes. I’m sure. Now shut up,” Kei snapped, slapping the book down on his legs. His friend grumbled quietly.

“I’d still rather read _Lord of the Rings_ , but-“

“Without this book you wouldn’t have that story, or any of those characters, so just appreciate the original inspiration,” Kei argued back, “It’s a good book. I’ve read it a lot,” he insisted.

“Is that why it’s so dog-eared?” Tadashi asked, picking at the grass.

“Well yes,”

“What about the stains on it?” his friend pressed, smiling slightly.

“I may have also spilled juice on it once, but that’s not important,” Kei murmured, picking up his book. It was a little bit battle worn – it’s cover protector peeling and ripped, the spine cracked, the pages bent and stained. It was a book well read, for certain. “We’ll read until we get tired, and then pass it to the other one, okay?” he confirmed, Tadashi nodding – that was their regular arrangement. Kei cleared his throat, opened the book, and began to read aloud.

 

“ _As he gave at the knees and collapsed into a half-sleeping, half-fainting huddle by the wall, the stone field wavered into a purple blush, and the sun withdrew_.” Kei finished, turning the page down at the corner, shutting the book. Tadashi winced at the treatment of the book, but he’d long since given up arguing about it. “That was pretty good for one sitting. That was, what? Nearly twenty chapters?” he asked. Kei nodded,

“Yeah, I guess that was alright. We still have a lot of chapters left, though.”

“What? How many?”

“About seventy chapters in total.”

Tadashi groaned, flopping onto his back on the grass.

“What? Are you bored already?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s just….it’s long,”

Kei smiled at that. “What? Would you rather we go back to reading _Percy Jackson_?”

“Well we never did finish _Heroes of Olympus_ …” the freckled boy murmured. It was then that his father came through the sliding door, stepping into the garden. “Your brother’s here for you, Kei,” he called, and the blond boy’s face fell again.

 

“So what did you do at Tadashi’s this weekend then?” Akiteru asked, swinging his arms back and forth as they walked. He’d taken one of Kei’s bags, and they were walking together in the dying light. “Just…the same,” Kei answered quietly, his eyes on the pavement.

“Did you finish your homework?”

“Yes.”

“Even the literature you were stressing about?”

“Yes…”

Akiteru smiled, “What else did you do? Other than homework?”

“Nothing really,” Kei mumbled, shrugging, and then wincing as his bag scraped against his shoulders.

Akiteru nodded, “You do know you have sunburn, right? Like, all over your shoulders? I told you to wear sun cream,” he scolded slightly, and Kei sighed. He knew he shouldn’t have worn a vest. It was hot, but not worth the burn. Tadashi wore vests, but his skin was darker and he _never_ seemed to burn. He just got more freckles. “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” he said, tentatively touching the back of his neck. There was so much heat. He was going to feel that so much later on.

And he did. As he sat in his living room with his shirt off, his mother wincing. “That looks bad. Akiteru go get the after-sun spray.” Kei groaned. He knew what after-sun meant, and he really wished he’d remembered sunscreen now. “Maybe we should get Mamiko to look at it, whilst she’s still here,” she whispered to herself, and Kei turned back to glare at her.

“No. She has her job to do, we don’t need to bother her,” he said quickly, watching his mother. She just stared back at him, her eyes dark.

His mother was taller than both he and Akiteru. She was beautiful as well. Their father used to tell them about her modelling days, before they got married and had the boys. Kei could see parts of that in his mother still – the way she walked and carried herself with confidence. But her beauty had withered, especially in the last few weeks. The proud beautiful woman was a thing of the past now, not that Kei particularly blamed her for that. They’d all changed.

Akiteru came back downstairs, the spray in his hand. He smirked at his little brother for a moment, and Kei rolled his eyes before he felt the burning all across his back. “Fuck fuck fuck,” he hissed, stepping away. Akiteru was cackling, obviously getting some sort of enjoyment from seeing this. “Your fault for getting burnt,” he said, Kei muttering curses under his breath.

“Wow that is a pretty severe sunburn. Make sure you look after that, okay?” The two brothers turned suddenly, Kei reaching for his shirt, pulling it back on hissing at the burn. Mamiko stood in the doorway smiling at the family. She was wearing her usual scrubs, her hair neatly tied back. The family all knew her well, but Kei didn’t like her presence. She was a nice enough person, but the association he’d formed in his mind for her was not good. Her almost daily appearance at their house filled him with anxiety. She looked up at Kei’s mother. “Can I talk to you in the other room for a bit?” His mother had her hand on his necklace, pulling at the beads anxiously. She smiled, nodding.

“Why don’t we go to bed now?” Akiteru suggested, and Kei nodded quickly, silently moving past Mamiko to move upstairs.

He dressed himself silently for bed, moving through the corridor to the bathroom. His father’s bedroom door was cracked open, and the light was still on. He knocked on the door, opening it a little bit further. “Goodnight dad,” he called quietly.

“Goodnight, Kei,” the voice replied slowly and quietly.

“Do you want me to turn the light out? So you can go to sleep?”

“Yes please,” his father wheezed. Kei pressed his lips in a firm line, nodding as he flipped off the light switch, leaving the door open.

 

He sat on his bed, slumping his shoulders as he sat down. His room was fairly neat and tidy. Not as organised as Yamaguchi’s was, but it wasn’t a disaster site, either. Ordinary was what he felt it was. He looked across his room to the wall his desk was against. He had a lot of pictures pinned up there, although not many people knew about it. He pulled his headphones on, moving closer to look at the pictures. A lot of them were family pictures, but there was also a lot of pictures of his team and the other volleyball players as well. Most of them were blurry pictures taken from somebody’s phone and shared on group chats, but he pinned them up regardless. A lot of his life was documented on that wall.

His first sleepover with Tadashi,  the first time he outgrew Akiteru on their height chart in the kitchen, hell, all the way back to the first picture of him as a baby – where his dad was holding him with the most joyful look on his face. There were newer ones, too. Team Cat and Team Owl standing together from last training camp, pictures of practice that Yachi had taken, Hinata’s birthday party on the beach. Some of his favourite pictures on the wall however came from his parent’s wedding. They got married late last year, and his mum had insisted on a small ceremony of only forty guests. The Yamaguchi family had been invited as well – they were pretty much considered family after the years Kei and Tadashi had been friends. In the big picture of all the wedding guests Tadashi sat right next to Kei, and the two of them had been kneeing each other fairly intensely before the picture had been taken and there was still the hint of laughter on both of their faces, their knees pressed close against each other.

It was probably that day that he’d realised he probably had more than simply platonic feelings for Tadashi. He knew he was gay. Lord, he knew that already. That was not a surprise. But it was surprising to him to realise when his mother had talked about his _own_ wedding in the future, he couldn’t actually think of a scenario without Tadashi in the picture. Specifically, in the picture next to him, as his husband. It was strange to him for finally accept that, but he didn’t feel anxious about it. It felt like two puzzle pieces connecting more than anything.

And then the anxiety set in because _oh Jesus he liked his best friend_. Kei had never been a sociable child. Even from day care he was fighting with the other kids, preferring to stay in his corner. Tadashi was finally someone outside of his family who he felt he could actually stand being around. If he found out that he harboured feelings towards him, that would ruin everything. Who would want to hang out with a boy who was sexually attracted to you? That would just be awkward. He didn’t want Tadashi to leave him. He couldn’t cope with that. He was reliant on his existence, though he’d never admit it. So he did the only thing he was really good at doing. He hid his feelings. He was good at masking panic and anxiety by now, what was one more mess to that?

There was a knock at his door, and he jumped, standing up straight. “What is it?” he called. The door opened slowly, and Akiteru stood in the doorway, his eyes fixed on his little brother. His lip quivered, and he bit it hard. “Kei,” his voice wavered for a moment.

He felt his stomach drop.

“Mum and…Mum and Mamiko want to have a conversation with you, about dad.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said quietly. He stepped towards the door. He felt sick. He didn’t want to go any further. His mind was protesting wildly, but he kept walking forwards. This was out of his hands. He was powerless to do anything to change it. He followed Akiteru down the stairs, his legs moving automatically. His older brother opened the living room door, and he saw his mum. She was crying, her blonde hair messily falling out of her bun, her bare face blotchy. Mamiko had her arm around her, trying to comfort her. His mother looked up at him, and he saw pain. He knew what was going on. He licked his lips, focussing his breathing. She shook her head, her lower lip quivering. “Kei,” she said, her voice small, “Kei I’m so sorry.”

 

He lay back in his bed. It didn’t feel real. Any of this. He tried focussing on his thoughts, ordering them, thinking about something, anything but this. He couldn’t do it. His mind kept drifting back. He lay on his side, looking back at the wall of photographs. There was one picture of him and his mother and Akiteru. His mother looked beautiful and radiant in her wedding dress, and Kei and Akiteru had their arms around her waist. She was happy, hopeful and optimistic. He wanted that woman back.  He wanted the woman who poked and pulled at his face, who laughed at his sarcasm, who shouted when he said something rude… the woman who reacted to him. He wanted his mother back. His house was hardly ever quiet anymore. It made it difficult to sleep. He could hear his mother’s sniffs and desperate gasps, no matter how much he knew she’d tried to hide it. He closed his eyes. He could swear he could hear his father’s breaths too, low and pained as he hung on. Kei found it difficult to sleep with all the noise.

 

Tadashi was waiting in their usual spot, fiddling with his phone as Kei approached. He smiled as he looked up, dimples forming on his freckled cheeks. He frowned a little bit as Kei came closer. “Did you not sleep very well? You look kinda tired,” he commented, and Kei shrugged.

“Not really I guess, come on, we need to get to practice.” And that was the end of it. Tadashi didn’t press the issue, but Kei was aware of his constant glances. There were some times when Tadashi’s emotional intelligence was not appreciated. He didn’t know why he didn’t say anything. e  He Hehehvof Maybe it was because if he admitted it, and told someone, then it was real. And he didn’t want this to be real. They walked in silence for most of the way to school, punctuated only by Kei’s yawns.

He couldn’t focus on morning practice. He tried to think of nothing but the blocks he was doing, but his mind kept wandering. What was going to happen to his family? What were they going to do now? Were they going to be able to continue living in their house? What if he had to transfer schools? There was so much he wanted to know, but he couldn’t ask his mother. They were falling hard and fast, and he didn’t know when they were going to crash, but he knew it was soon.

“Tsukishima! Incoming!” he heard Daichi’s shout too late, and looked up as the ball collided with his face. He lost his balance and fell, stunned. Everyone was. If it was Shoyo, everyone would have laughed. But this was Kei Tsukishima – he was one of the few members who had avoided a hit to the face thus far. He sat up slowly. His cheek was sore, and he was fairly certain the skin was going red. “Oh god, Tsukki are you alright?” Tadashi came running up, kneeling down next to him. He outstretched his hand, taking Kei’s face in his hands, pulling him closer so he could look. Kei closed his eyes. He couldn’t control his breathing when he was so close. He could feel Tadashi’s breath on his face. “Did you hit your head when you fell?” he asked. Kei furrowed his eyebrows, pulling away.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I did,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.

Daichi stood above him, shaking his head. “Only some damage then, you’ll survive this.”

Something about that phrase knocked something loose in his head. He stood up, his lower lip quivering again, just like it did last night. He pressed his lips in a firm line, standing up. “Tsukki? Are you okay?” Tadashi asked. Shit. Of course he’d noticed.

“I’m fine,” he said quietly, desperately trying to keep the even tone to his voice. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

 

He kicked the stall door open, fisting his hands through his hair. He locked himself in the stall, sucking in his breath. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop. _Crying_. His breath was coming out harsh and ragged, his breaths getting shorter and shorter. His head felt light. He rubbed his eyes feebly, a whimper rising in his throat. _Shut up shut up shut up, just shut up._ He couldn’t stop. Kei crouched on the floor, his hand clasped over his mouth trying to dampen the sound. Why was this happening? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?

The door to the bathroom swung open and he froze. His breathing stopped. “Tsukishima?” Shoyo’s voice rang out. Kei drew in a breath, dropping his head. He really, really, hoped his voice was going to hold out. “What do you want, Hinata?” he snapped.

“Ah, Suga just told me to see where you were!”

“Well I’m here, now piss off.”

“Oh…”

“What?”

“Are you sure…you’re alright, I mean?”

“Fucking fantastic. Now go away.”

He heard the door slam again, and he rubbed his eyes under his glasses. After a moment or two, he stood up, unlocked his door and walked out. His face looked blotchy and puffy in the mirror. He sighed, running the tap, wiping his face. He just hoped no one would be able to tell he had been crying.

 

Practice was difficult, and school was worse. He didn’t want to be there, but he also didn’t want to go home. He couldn’t win. If there was some timeless universe where he could just slip out of existence, that would have been ideal. He was about ready to call it quits by the time class finished that day. Volleyball practice was the furthest thing on his mind. “Tsukishima? Could you hang back for a second?” the teacher called. He sighed, Tadashi turning back to look at him. He waved him on, turning back to look at the teacher. “Your mother called the school earlier.” _Oh_. He stood up straighter. “I just want you to know that if you’re struggling, you don’t have to do your schoolwork. Everyone understands.” Kei nodded slowly, not saying anything as he left the classroom.

Tadashi stood just outside the door, his brow knitted with worry. “Tsukki? What was that about? Are you okay?” he asked, his voice cautious. The blond shrugged, “Nothing, it’s fine, let’s go, Yamaguchi,” he said, storming down the corridor. It didn’t take long for Tadashi to catch up with him, and the two of them walked side by side to practice. Kei swallowed the lump in his throat, praying that his legs wouldn’t give out from their shaking.


	2. Maze

Kei loved music. He loved hearing it, and he loved performing it. For a longer period of his life than he would admit, he was obsessed with musicals, and he still remembered a lot of the songs from the shows he adored. But he’d branched out from Broadway songs, and had found a love for rock music. He liked the loud, heavy sounds, and how different they were to most musical songs he admired. He loved live music a lot, too, although he didn’t get to go to shows very often. His father had always been the one to take him to concerts. The last one they’d been to together had been over a year ago now.

It had taken a long time for him to convince Tadashi to go with him instead. Tadashi was shy, nervous. Crowds bothered him. He clung close to Kei’s side, but once the music was blaring, he got swept up in the rhythm, of the movement of the crowd the same way Kei did. There was something so easy about it. He was one person in a crowd of hundreds, thousands. He didn’t matter in that crowd. There was nothing to differentiate him from everybody else. He didn’t feel like a real person. His problems, his life, none of that mattered. For once, he could shake it off, and that permanent weight he felt in his chest was lifted. He just wanted to fade into the back.

Alas Kei had no time for music anymore. There were no concerts in his town, and his headphones weren’t enough to shake it anymore. It got harder to wake up in the mornings, harder to think properly. Every basic thing he managed to do before, he was struggling with. There were times in the morning when Tadashi had to go on ahead of him, or they’d both be late. It was a logical move on his behalf – there was no point in him getting dragged down with Kei – but it hurt him. He felt alone. Even in class or in the halls, he felt so alone. In a room full of people he no longer felt invisible. He could feel teachers looking at him sympathetically, and he couldn’t get away from that. Even volleyball practice, he had been pulled aside by Ukai and Takeda. Told it was okay, he could be taken out if he wanted. He felt useless. And the others were starting to see something change in him too. Even _Tanaka_ was treating him differently.

He heard them talking when he went to the bathroom once. He listened through the door before he went in, his heart in his throat, choking him. Daichi was the one who spoke up first. “There’s something definitely not right with Tsukishima at the minute,” he announced. It felt weird to hear people talk about him so boldly like that. He was used to quiet whispers from the third years already. “Thank god I wasn’t the only one thinking that,” Ennoshita admitted, slightly quieter.

“What do you thinks wrong with him?” Yuu asked, kicking one of the balls across the width of the gym.

“I don’t know…I feel horrible saying it, but I really don’t know him.” Koushi covered his mouth, shaking his head at Daichi.

“I do admit, he has sort of been…quieter,” Hitoka pitched in.

“Yeah! He hasn’t really said anything to me or Kageyama either, it’s really weird,” Shoyo agreed. There was an awkward silence in the room, as everyone considered. Kei breathed out slowly. Just as long as nobody knew. “Has he mentioned anything to you?” Daichi eventually asked. Kei could see Tadashi start twisting his hands in his shirt. “He hasn’t said _anything_ , like, nothing during the last couple of weeks.” Kei felt bad about that. They usually told each other everything (and by everything he meant literally everything, oversharing was no longer a concept in their friendship). But since he’d realised he was in love with Tadashi, he couldn’t shake this awkwardness, and since finding out about his dad, he couldn’t cope with having Tadashi there at all. He felt guilty about not telling him, but he wanted somebody to treat him normally. “Well shit, if he’s not saying anything to _you_ , there’s no chance he’ll say anything to any of us,” Koushi mumbled to himself, running his hands through his hair. “I want to do something, though. I feel stupid not doing anything.” Yuu stretched his hands above his head.

“We all do. Tsukishima’s not exactly nice, but it’s clear he’s in a bad place at the minute. I don’t want to see that happen to anyone, not even…him,” Tobio said. Kei pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to worry about this. He couldn’t sleep, he could hardly eat, he couldn’t concentrate…the last thing he needed to add to his ball of anxiety was the volleyball club. He pushed the door open to the gym, startling the other boys. Tobio and Shoyo tried desperately to look normal, failing miserably, Daichi and Koushi only looking at him worriedly before continuing their drills. Tadashi smiled weakly at him. “You okay, Tsukki?” he asked, his voice wavering slightly. Kei paused. He should say something. Anything. Tadashi would understand. He’d been there for him for so much. It would be nice to have someone to say things to. And yet, he said nothing. He swallowed everything he wanted to say. _“My dad’s dying.” “My family is falling apart.” “I can’t think straight.” “I’m scared.”_ He swallowed the words, calming himself. “Yeah, fine,” he spoke firmly, coldly. He sounded harsher than he meant to. Tadashi nodded slowly, “Alright, just checking.” It was clear he didn’t believe him.

 

Tadashi tried to talk to him later on that evening. They’d stopped to get drinks, Kei sitting quietly by himself. Although he hadn’t said anything, he had his headphones around his neck. He didn’t plan on cutting Tadashi off, he just didn’t feel like talking to him. “You know everyone’s worried about you, don’t you?” he asked firmly. Tadashi’s hand was still on the edge of his juice box, and he was staring straight ahead as he asked. Kei paused. “I guess so,” he admitted, having nothing else to say.

“So. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” He answered too quickly. Too fast. Too direct.

“There is something wrong. What is it?” Tadashi was pressing. He didn’t usually press matters. He tended to just give a stern glare, but ultimately he never pushed things. Kei panicked, unsure what to do. He stayed quiet. Tadashi sighed, running his hand through the hair on the back of his neck. “If you’re…um,” he paused, thinking how to phrase it. “Do you need help again? Are you…is your depression back?”

Kei had his first brush with depression when he was twelve years old. He wasn’t exactly sure what had started it – probably a mix from family stress and anxiety about school. His first depressive period had probably been the worst. He had no idea how to explain it to people, and it had taken a long time to diagnose. After that he learnt coping methods, had medication, had a support system in place. Honestly, he hadn’t considered his depression before Tadashi had brought it up. He’d been so used to it, he nearly forgot about it sometimes.

“No,” he answered quietly.

“And you’d tell me if it was?”

“Yeah,”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Tadashi sighed, leaning his head against Kei’s shoulder. This was usual for them. They’d been closer, as kids there was always tears involved if anyone tried to make them sleep in separate beds. But now, actions like that made Kei’s heart stutter in his chest. He could feel the warmth from Tadashi’s body pressed close against his arm, could feel his hand brushed against his own. He felt his cheeks grow hotter. He really hoped Tadashi couldn’t tell. They stayed like that for a little while, for Tadashi, the silence was comfortable, for Kei, it was horrific. Suddenly the darker skinned boy looked up into Kei’s face. “I’m worried about you too, you know,” he said softly. Kei could feel his breath on his face, and he thought to himself that maybe he could forget about everything and just kiss Tadashi silly. That was all he ever wanted to do. Touch him, play with him, kiss him, love him. He blinked back the thoughts, nodding slowly. “I’m sorry,” was all he could choke out. Tadashi’s eyes studied his best friend’s face, and Kei stared at his. He knew it so well, he knew every acne scar, every dimple, the scar on his forehead from running into a tree, the shape of his lips, his nose, all of the freckles as they appeared, disappeared, and turned into moles. He knew Tadashi’s body better than he knew himself. He understood Tadashi more than he understood himself. Tadashi was his universe, and every solar system was perfectly mapped, explored and studied, yet never ceased to be a source of wonder for him. They stared at each other for a long while before Tadashi spoke, his voice no more than a whisper. “You’re not going to tell me what’s wrong, but can you at least promise me that you’ll tell me eventually, and you won’t try to keep this all to yourself?”

Kei nodded dumbly. Tadashi smiled, comforted by that at least, returning his head on his shoulder. They sat like that until he started to shiver, and the blond insisted that they got home before he caught a cold. They stood outside Kei’s house for a moment or two, Tadashi studying him again. “Hug me.” The words didn’t register in Kei’s brain for a few seconds, his brain jarring. Had Tadashi really asked him to do that? The blond squinted at him, unsure of what to do. Tadashi sighed, reaching his arms out. “C’mon. Just for a couple of seconds, it’s not gunna kill you,” _Oh god no please it will._ Kei leaned forward awkwardly, Tadashi wrapping his arms tightly around his neck, pulling them close together. He’s warm and soft in the hug, and Kei feels like he’s just one big block of awkward ice. It felt like an eternity before he was finally released, Tadashi turning and bidding him goodbye one last time, walking down the last few streets to his house.

Akiteru’s waiting for him in the living room, smiling to himself. “I saw you and Tadashi in front of the house. Are you two dating or not now? I can’t tell,” he teased.  Kei groaned, running his hands through his hair. Akiteru had guessed about his feelings towards Tadashi. He’d accepted his little brother whole heartedly, but that didn’t stop him teasing about his crush. Kei sat down on the floor, his head in his hands. “Why couldn’t _I_ have been the straight brother?”

 

He sat alone in his room. He hadn’t slept that night. He sat with his blanket around him, his back against the wall. The only sound in the room came from the ticking of the clock. He’d tried reading, but he couldn’t concentrate. He’d already finished all of his homework, and he didn’t know what to do. It was four O’clock in the morning. He’d have to get up for volleyball soon. Was there any point in trying to sleep now? Would it be dumb for him to just get up now and stand outside in the cold waiting for Tadashi for the next hour or so. He decided if he just moved really, really slowly, maybe he would end up on time.

He still managed to show up early. It was cold, but there was something bracing about being out there, the sky was still dark and it was quiet. His mind felt strangely clear. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He wasn’t used to not knowing. He was used to only exploring fields in which there was a limit to how much you could know, and he was comforted by that. But now he was standing on the edge of the dark. The unknown. A maze that changed its route, its dead ends, its turns, depending on who was about to enter. He couldn’t find his way out by following someone else’s path. That scared him. Well, everything scared him now. There was not one method for dealing with loss, only vague answers from other people. He pulled his headphones on, sitting down, content to just ignore everything again.

He jumped a little bit when Tadashi shook his shoulder. He must have spaced out a lot. “Tsukki?” the freckled boy called, quirking an eyebrow. “Your hands are like, blue. How long have you been out here?”

The blond boy checked his watch. “About…twenty minutes, give or take,” he answered honestly. Tadashi huffed, pulling his gloves off, handing them over. “You need them more than I do,” he muttered.

 

The day passed slowly, each second dragging. He was just going through the motions of showing up to school, he didn’t actually feel like he was learning anything. He was going to have to copy up somebody’s notes at some point. He had literally written only a sentence in the entirety of his lessons. Was there even any point even showing up? Probably not. He was ready to give up and go home by the time volleyball rolled around. But everyone else would make a fuss if he didn’t attend, so he showed up anyway. Volleyball eased the feeling slightly. He found himself having times when he was only focussing on blocking, and he couldn’t think about anything else. It was nice to have moments, no matter how fleeting, that gave him relief.

There was a knock on the gym door, and Kiyoko went to answer it. Kei didn’t take any notice, focussing his efforts on stopping Hinata. He was going to do it. He _was._ “Tsukishima?” Kiyoko called, stepping forward into the gym. “Your brother’s here for you.” Akiteru stepped in, his hands twitching at his sides. Kei could feel Tadashi looking between the two brothers, confused. He wandered closer, Akiteru taking a deep breath in. He opened his mouth to say something, but Kei cut him off. “Is it dad?” he asked quietly.

Akiteru nodded. “He’s in the hospital. You didn’t answer your phone, so I figured you were in practice. Mum didn’t want to tell you until after school, but…I figured you’d want to know now. Visiting times would be over by then,” he explained. Kei nodded. His heart was beating fast. His legs moved him, although he was sure they were going to buckle any moment. “I need to go,” he called to the coach. Daichi looked like he was going to say something, but Ukai just nodded, shooing him on.

His hands were shaking as he changed. Akiteru was waiting outside, he couldn’t fall apart now. He had to keep it together. Maybe his dad was okay. It would be alright. They hospitalised him all the time before, it’s just…to make sure everything was okay. If it was serious, mum would have told him, regardless of whether he was at volleyball or not. It had to be something small. So why was he so worried? Why couldn’t he stop thinking that this really was the end? That this was the last time he was going to be able to see his dad.

Him and Akiteru drove to the hospital in quiet. Akiteru started off trying to encourage him, but it was clear he was just as anxious as his little brother. They got out the car, finding their mum waiting in the entrance. She walked briskly, and even with their long legs, the two brothers found it hard to keep up. Their dad was in the cancer unit (no surprise there): a unit that had been poorly thought out, and overlooked the graveyard of the church next door. He was sat on the edge of his bed, his eyes fixed to the window that looked out onto the headstones. Their mum ran over first, pulling her husband into a hug, her face stern as she ran her hands through his hair. Kei looked like his dad. He had his mother’s hair and eye colour, but his facial features reflected his father’s much more. His dad looked up, “Hi boys, sorry to worry you,” he murmured. Kei was filled with relief. He was up. He was moving, talking. He felt relief and a little bit of guilt for thinking he was going to die. Akiteru smiled, covering his fear, “It’s alright dad, don’t worry, just as long as you’re alright.” He wandered over, sitting himself down on one of the seats. After a moment, Kei followed him.

It was weird how their proper family reaction only came when his dad was in the hospital. The only time they were able to forget about the awkwardness involved, and actually sit down and talk to one another was on the ward. Kei hated that. He didn’t want to pretend everything about this scenario was normal and okay, because it wasn’t. Other people didn’t visit their parents on wards. “Kei,” his dad’s voice broke him out of his trance. “What position do you play in volleyball again?”

“I’m a blocker, dad,” he said softly.

“Oh, not gunna follow me or your brother and be a wing spiker?” His dad chuckled softly, before wheezing. Akiteru reached out to get him a glass of water, which he sipped at. “No, I’m better at blocking.”

“Hm, well, as long as you’re enjoying it. I can’t tell you how proud I am both of you are volleyball players,” his dad continued. “And you Kei! A starting player in your first year! You’re gunna go far,” he smiled encouragingly, and for one of the few moments in Kei’s life, he smiled genuinely back.

They stayed until visiting hours ended, and as they all got up to leave, their father got up too. He walked with them until they got to the end of the ward. His mother hugged her husband quickly, kissing him too, before stepping back. Kei reached forward, his dad’s eyes softening as he pulled his son into a hug. They hugged for a long time, and it reminded him of all the times he was held as a child. His dad had always been tender and loving, always the first one to pick him back up when he was hurt. The hug went on for a long time. And when Kei finally tried to pull apart, his dad held on tighter. He froze. He could feel his dad’s shoulders trembling, the shake effecting the entirety of his frail frame. His mum was quickly at their side. “Let go, sweetie,” she was whispering to his dad, her composure soon crumbling, the tears falling. “Please, dear, just let go.” And they all knew what she was really talking about and Kei’s stomach dropped because he didn’t want his dad to go. And he knew his dad didn’t want to leave, either. He wanted to stay with his sons and his family and he didn’t want to go away. Kei had hoped that in this hellhole of a situation, maybe his dad was at peace. No. His dad was still trying to fight, and it hurt to watch, because he knew there was no way he could win this fight. He’d watched him bounce back from so much, but there was no coming back from this. There was no miracle cure, no knight in shining armour. The reality of the situation was that this disease had progressed too far, and it was going to kill him. His dad eventually let go, and Kei stepped back, his face falling in shock. His mum pulled his father back into the ward, both of them crying and clinging to one another. Akiteru choked, his face contorting. He began pacing down the corridor, and Kei followed him, not really sure what else he was supposed to do. “No,” Akiteru snapped, “don’t follow me, just wait here.”

And he was alone. He couldn’t stay there, the hustle and bustle of the hospital, the normality of it, the mundanes of his situation hurt. He was aware of walking, and he sped up until he was running down the corridors, down the steps, running into the middle of the maze of his nightmare. The walls were high, he couldn’t find his way out. He couldn’t see the sky or the end to this. Everywhere he tried was a dead end.

He collapsed outside the hospital, rubbing the palms of his hand against his eyes. His lip was quivering and he was trying so hard not to cry again because he was sick of crying. He pulled out his phone, his eyes scanning the few contact names. He saw Tadashi’s name, filed there. He wanted someone to talk to. He needed to tell someone. He opened up a text, hands shaking as he tried to think what to say. It felt like he was sat there for hours, contemplating the situation, everything he could say. He couldn’t do it. In the end he put his phone back, curling up, waiting for his family to come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update, I have chronic pain issues and I actually ended up in hospital while on a school trip in Germany a few days back :') I'll try and update sooner, though!  
> My tumblr is anri-kun.tumblr.com if you want to come talk to me on there


	3. Rain

It felt strange, coming back to school on the Monday. He'd skipped practice over the weekend, ignoring Tadashi and Hitoka's messages. He didn't want to be alone. He never wanted to be alone. That was one thing that a lot of people misjudged about him. They assumed he was a natural loner, and that he was better on his own. He wasn't. He really wasn't. He was terrified of being alone. He was scared of what he would do to himself in a situation like that. And yet pushing people away was the only thing he seemed to be good at. Making people angry was the only thing he was actually good at doing. He hated that about himself. There were a lot of things he didn't like, but he really, really hated that.  But he didn't want to respond to his friends because he didn't know what he was supposed to say. He still wasn't sure. He had no reason to leave to go to school, other than habit and routine.  His hands felt clammy as he saw Tadashi there, waiting for him. His friend looked up at him, his eyes searching Kei's face, looking for a response, a reason. Tadashi's looks had always felt somewhat invasive when he stared like that. In the end he just sighed, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Kei replied. It had gotten easier to lie about how he felt as time went on. He'd been asked that question so many times he wasn't entirely sure what it actually meant anymore. "Me and Yachi texted you, did you see?"

"Yeah,"

"But you didn't reply?"

"No." Tadashi nodded to himself.

"Well, at least you saw them, I guess," he paused, and the two of them continued walking quietly. "Are you staying for volleyball?"

"Yeah."

Tadashi gave up on trying to talk to him, he knew there was something very wrong going on, and that it wouldn't be a good move to try and push Kei.

 

He didn't know what he was expecting when he walked back into volleyball practice. He kept forgetting his team was not necessarily smart, or subtle. He kept forgetting, out of all the people who knew - out of all the stares and the whispers, and the sympathetic nods - the volleyball team was not one of them. And usually that would be good. He didn't like the overwhelming sympathy. But this week had been hard. One of the hardest weeks he had ever had to live through. He was scared and anxious - he was losing weight, he was skinner than ever, and he hadn't slept properly in a long time. He'd gone to sleep at 4 am last night, and was not entirely awake - not that he had ever really been fully awake. He didn't _like_ sympathy, sure, but he had to admit some of it would be nice at that point.

But the volleyball team was not known for their sympathy. Daichi was a very hard-line captain who didn't appreciate excuses. So when Kei walked into the clubroom, and he made eye contact with the third years, an odd quiet came over the room. Koushi smiled at him sympathetically,  before looking away. Everyone's eyes moved from Kei to Daichi. The captain sighed, crossing his arms. This was a rare occurrence. Kei had never been scolded before - it wasn't like he was never in trouble, it was just that Daichi never had the energy to do anything about him. At the back of his mind, he figured it was just because Daichi didn't care whether he was in the club or not. "So you're actually showing up today?" he asked, his voice cold. Kei could feel Tadashi's eyes flicking between him and Daichi.

"Yeah," was all Kei said in return.

"You could have at least told us you weren't going to be attending."

"I guess," Kei fixed his eyes on the floor. He felt rage bubbling up underneath the surface. He tried to calm his breathing. It wasn't worth getting angry over. It wasn't worth it, he kept telling himself, but it just kept building. His hands clenched at his sides.

"Everyone takes this team seriously. I get that you don't, and you never have, but you're a starting player." Kei closed his eyes, focussing on his breathing. "There are people on this team who have wanted to be in your position, and it was fine to let you go about it the way you were. But you're not putting enough effort in, and not even showing up is not acceptable. Everyone here is serious about going to nationals. We can't work properly if you're not pulling your weight."

Kei wasn't exactly certain what caused him to snap. He was a fairly patient person - it was difficult to actually wind him up to the point of shouting. Yes, he liked to annoy people, but he was actually very difficult to annoy. So it was a shock to everyone when he calmly reached over, grabbed one of the boxes from the shelf and flung it at Daichi. The captain put his hands up to defend himself as the box came down, and he stumbled back. Kei felt something in the back of his head. He'd hurt him. He could get suspended for that, or worse. But he couldn't stop himself. "It's just a club," he said, "it's just a _fucking_ club! My life does not revolve around volleyball! I have things that are happening that are more important, I have people that are more _important_ , " his voice cracked, and he felt his lip quivering. "I  can't focus on this...this isn't important right now...I'm just...I..."

Everyone was looking at him. Daichi was sat on the floor, his cheek red and bruising. Koushi was crouched over him. Everyone was just staring. His lip was quivering, his eyes blurring with tears. His knees felt weak. He couldn't bear to be there anymore. He turned on his heels, barging past Tobio, running out of the clubroom.

It was raining. His chest was heaving, and the tears were rolling down his face. He felt trapped. He heard someone shout from the club room, and his legs reacted before he realised what he was doing, and he bolted out into the rain. It was cold, and his trainers kept getting stuck as he slid on the mud. He stopped running as he rounded a corner, stopping to catch his breath.

He felt so helpless. There was nothing he could do. His dad was going to die. He wasn't going to have his father in his life anymore. And there was nobody he could talk to. He'd be lucky if the team even let him back in now. None of them ever spoke to him anyway. He'd pushed everyone away. No one was going to help. He covered his mouth, trying to stop himself whimpering. Everything had gotten bad. Everything was really bad. He curled up on himself. How much longer was he going to be able to cope with this? When was this going to stop? When was he going to move past this? He wanted to go back to normal, he wanted to have a normal family, and the same relationship with the club.

"Tsukki?"

He looked up and saw Tadashi standing there, his hair limp and soaked with rain. Kei bit his lip, not sure what to do. "Are you alright?" he asked. Kei rubbed his eyes under his glasses.

"Is Daichi okay?" he asked.

"Suga's looking after him, he's a bit bruised but he's alright," Tadashi leaned against the wall. "Are you okay?" he repeated.

"I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you crying then?"

"It's the rain."

"I wasn't born yesterday, Tsukki, I know you're crying." Kei looked up at him, managing to stop himself from bursting into tears again. Tadashi sighed, looking away. He bit his lip, shutting his eyes. "When did your dad get sick again?" he asked. It felt like a shot to Kei. He looked up, staring dumbly at his best friend. He didn't know what to say. He knew. How did he know? He knew the first time. They were still little, and Kei had admitted it to him after a day at volleyball practice. But even then, the very first time his dad had been diagnosed, it wasn't as serious. He survived, and he'd expected him too. It wasn't at all the same as how it was now. He hadn't said anything. Tadashi sat next to him, hugging his knees. "Your mum called, when your dad was admitted to hospital."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kei suddenly felt very embarrassed, very ashamed.

" _You_ didn't say anything, so I figured you didn't want to talk about it," Tadashi explained, his voice very small. "Is your dad okay?" he asked. Kei shook his head. "What's wrong?"

"It's terminal," he whimpered, bursting into tears again. He covered his face, curling up again. Tadashi leaned close, putting his arm around his friend. It was quiet. Only the two of them were there, the only sound being the white noise of the rain, and the sound of Kei's sobs. It was hard to listen to. To watch someone who was usually so strong breakdown entirely felt wrong. Kei was usually so stoic, so blank, and Tadashi's heart lurched when he heard him cry. There was nothing he could do. He could only watch Kei shut down, and hope that he would come back. "Is that why you hit Daichi?" he asked as he quietened down a bit.

"I didn't mean to do that...I didn't mean to hurt him. He's gunna throw me out of the club now..." Kei whispered.

"But you can just explain-"

"I don't _want_ to explain."

Tadashi hummed quietly. "It's okay," he murmured in his ear, rubbing his shoulder softly. "How do you feel now?"

"Stupid now my cold bitch exterior's been broken and everyone's seen me cry," he joked, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve.

"I'm sure no one will say anything," Tadashi replied. Kei leaned his head on his shoulder, feeling warm and safe. He loved him so much. It felt right to be sat together with him like that. He felt tired from crying, but strangely confident. It was now or never.

"I like you," he whispered,

"I like you too," Tadashi replied, running his hand over his shoulder.

"No I mean like, I really like you...I would like to date you," Kei looked up at him. Tadashi's hand froze on his shoulder, and he kept looking straight ahead.

"You really pick your moments, don't you?" he asked, leaning his head on Kei's. "I really like you, too," he whispered, pressing his lips to the top of his head.

"Are you sure?" Kei asked, looking up. "Because I mean...you don't have to say that just because you think I'm upset."

"I'm sure," Tadashi said, smiling at him. Kei felt his cheeks flush, and he looked away. "Are you embarrassed?"

"You asked _me_ out, I should be the embarrassed one."

"Why aren't you?"

"I'm really happy right now."

"Why?"

"Because you asked me out! I never thought this would happen." Kei smiled at him, leaning his head back against the wall, listening to the rain.

"I never thought you'd say yes," he admitted. Tadashi chuckled, shaking his head.

"You're my _boyfriend_ now," he smiled, his cheeks now flushing hot.

"I'm your boyfriend," Kei repeated. They sat still. What were they supposed to do now? Should they hug? Hold hands? _Kiss_? He didn't know how to kiss. He'd never kissed anyone before. Were they going to go on dates now? He didn't know what sort of dates Tadashi would like to go on. Kei wanted to go to museums, and look at aquariums, but would that interest him too? He didn't want to bore Tadashi. Would he tell him if he got bored? He probably wouldn't.

They heard someone moving towards them, and the two of them froze up. Tadashi stood up, standing in front of Kei. Koushi popped his head around the corner, looking at Tadashi. He looked down briefly, and Kei turned his face away, sure that his eyes were puffy and his face was blotched. "Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah, it's...fine now, don't worry." Tadashi said, standing firmly in the way. "Is Daichi okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry about that. I'm sure there was a reason," he sighed breathily. "Sometimes things just get a bit much. And no one blames you for that, Tsukishima. Why don't you two go home for today?" he suggested.

"Am I allowed to come back?" Kei asked. Koushi seemed surprised for a moment, but he nodded quickly.

"Yes, yes, we're not kicking you out! We just thought, perhaps it would be better for you to have the day off today."

Tadashi nodded, smiling at the third year. "I think we'll take you up on that, thanks," he replied, waiting until the vice-captain left before turning back to Kei. "Do you wanna go home now?" he asked.

"I guess,"

Tadashi nodded, "I need to go get my bag, wait a sec."

 

They held hands on the way home. It was something small, insignificant, something that most people probably didn't think anything about. But to Kei, it was huge. He'd wanted to do this with Tadashi for a long time. He wanted to be with him. He never thought he would get that chance. Tadashi was out of his league for sure, so this was nothing short of a miracle. He was his boyfriend now. He had a boyfriend. His stomach felt light as he walked next to him. He felt sad when they reached his house. "Are you gunna be okay?" Tadashi asked, still clasping Kei's hand tightly. "I think so,"

"Can you please talk to me if you're not?"

"Maybe..."

Tadashi smiled, shaking his head. "Can I have a hug?"

"Yeah," _that_ answer was instant. Kei held out his arms, and Tadashi pulled his arms tightly around his waist, resting his head on his chest. It felt different from when they'd hugged just a few days ago. Kei felt more relaxed, happier. It was strange how a few days and a conversation had made the world of difference. "See you tomorrow," Tadashi said.

"See you tomorrow."

He leaned back, staring at Kei. Neither of them really let go. He bit his lip, and with a surge of courage, leaned up and kissed Kei's cheek quickly, before detaching himself, and pacing back down his drive and out onto the street. Kei stood in front of his house completely stunned. His cheek felt like it was burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm v. sick at the minute so  
> this probably isn't the best quality, I'm sorry!  
> There's probably only 1 more chapter, and I hope to update that on Christmas  
> Anri-kun.tumblr.com


	4. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woke up and wished that I was dead  
> With an aching in my head  
> I lay motionless in bed  
> I thought of you and where you'd gone  
> and let the world spin madly on

Despite being the person to confess, Kei actually didn't follow it up with anything. He didn't know how to. They walked home holding hands, and kissing cheeks on the doorstop seemed to have become a regular habit now. He still didn't have the courage to kiss him properly on the lips. He was probably an _awful_ kisser. It was actually Tadashi who made the first move. They'd walked home together, and Kei was standing on his doorstep, ready for the regular kiss. But his boyfriend sighed, quirking an eyebrow at him. "Are you actually going to take me on a date anywhere or is this it?" he asked. Kei stood back in shock staring at him.

"I um...did you, I guess...we could go somewhere," he stammered. "I need to think about it." Tadashi nodded firmly.

"Right. Think about it - I'm free this weekend." He didn't kiss Kei as he left, leaving him on his doorstep. Kei felt strange. Had he just been bullied into planning a date? Was Tadashi even allowed to do that? He unlocked his front door, sighing to himself. Akiteru was in the lounge again. Kei sat down quietly, pulling his laptop out from under the sofa, desperately trying to think of date ideas. "Hey," Akiteru said softly, and Kei chirped in response, not looking away from his screen. "Is there something going on between you and Tadashi?"

"Like what?" Kei asked, his voice flat.

"Like...did you get together or what?"

"Shouldn't you be going back to your flat soon?" he asked. Akiteru grinned.

"You _are_ dating, aren't you?" Kei ignored him, still totally unsure of what he was supposed to do. "Oh my god. That's so cute. Have you kissed him yet? Have you gone on any dates?"

Kei slammed his laptop shut, rubbing his face. "No! And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,"

Akiteru sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Well, what do you like?"

"You know what I like."

"Dinosaurs, cake and sea creatures. That doesn't leave a whole lot of choice, Kei. Take him to a museum, or an aquarium and a bakery afterwards."

"But what if he doesn't _like_ aquariums or museums?  And I'm not even sure if he likes sweet stuff that much."

"Kei, he's been friends with you for years before you finally got your head out of your ass and asked him out. He's probably fine with going somewhere like that."

"But what if he's not and I bore the shit out of him? And what if I just top it off with taking him to get food somewhere he doesn't even like."

"What food does he like then?"

"McDonalds fries," Akiteru winced at that, "don't judge his taste in food, you're not any better than him."

His older brother sighed. "You're so, so lucky he actually said yes to you, you know that, right? Because you're a mess."

Kei sighed again, sliding down on the sofa. "I _know_."

He struggled trying to think of something, but after tens of Google searches, he still wasn't any closer. He lay in bed, clutching his pillow to him, still wide awake. Could he bear the embarrassment of going to one of the third years for help? He was sure at least Koushi might have gone on a date before. But it would be awkward now, after he hit Daichi. It was a miracle they'd let him back in. The next day he had Takeda and Ukai both talking to him - telling him they know his situation was difficult but it was most certainly _not_ okay to assault the captain (as if he didn't know that already). He had to apologise to Daichi too, and he said it was fine, but it was still awkward. He could tell that the others were hesitant to approach him. He could only really rely on Tadashi now. He breathed out, trying to lull himself to sleep. He felt comfortable that night. More comfortable than he had been previously. Maybe he was just emotionally empty now. He didn't like the idea that he was getting used to his situation, but he probably was. He was used to the stress and the pain.

He heard his phone vibrate on his desk, and he wandered over in the dark of his room, opening up the text despite the burning light.

_Yamaguchi: Are you still thinking abt our date?_

Kei sighed, wandering back to his bed. He couldn't even lie at this point. He was desperate.

_Tsukishima: Yes._

_Yamaguchi: There's a dinosaur exhibition on this month @ the natural history museum._

The amount of irritation coming through in that one text was unbelievable. Kei didn't even know where his best friend (sorry, his _boyfriend_ ) had picked that up from.

_Tsukishima: Are you ok with that?_

_Yamaguchi: Yea_

_Yamaguchi: Why?_

_Tsukishima: I don't want to bore you._

He held his phone, biting his lip nervously. He wasn't used to having to be sensitive. He didn't like it, but he guessed that this was an important part of being a couple. God, when would he ever get used to that?  His phone buzzed again.

_Yamaguchi: Youre so dumb <3_

Kei smiled, laying his head down on the pillow, staring at the text a little longer.

 

They decided to go to the museum after all. Tadashi didn't seem to mind particularly. He went along with him, carefully looking at all the exhibits, listening when Kei talked about the inaccuracies it held. He was sure he'd heard everything a thousand times before, but he still let him talk and listened with interest. He held Tadashi's hand tightly as they moved around. He was aware of people looking. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see people glancing down at their hands, at the way they were leaned into one another. And a lot of those looks weren't entirely good. He wondered if Tadashi was seeing it too. And one look over told him he was. Tadashi was stern faced, staring straight ahead, his face paling slightly. "Do you want me to let go of your hand?" Kei whispered. Tadashi shook his head stiffly.

"It's a bit too late for that now. Plus it won't be much of a date if we don't do something," he laughed to himself. Kei nodded, squeezing his hand a little bit.

"Tell me if you want me to let go?"

"Sure." Tadashi nodded, stroking his thumb against his hand.

It was late afternoon by the time they'd finished wandering around the exhibition - they looked at the other parts too, and they ended in the gift shop. Tadashi wandered off to go look at the postcards, and Kei wandered around on his own. He still wondered what was changing about their relationship. They'd done so much together already, was anything really going to be different? How long would this go on for? What would happen if they were going to break up? He felt cold, and he suddenly stopped. If they broke up. He knew that he was difficult. He knew that he could get annoying. It was only a matter of time before Tadashi got tired. He was going to leave eventually. He was going to be alone again. He loved everything about Tadashi. He didn't want him to leave.

"Are you looking at the soft toys?" Kei jumped, turning to look at him. In the time it had taken to zone out, Tadashi had appeared by his side.

"They're incredibly inaccurate toys," he said quickly, pushing his glasses up.

"They're for kids," Tadashi dismissed, resting his head on Kei's shoulder. There was a silence. "Do you want one?" Kei stared at him silently, quirking an eyebrow. "I'll buy one for you, which one do you want?" he asked. Kei looked down.

"The triceratops."

Tadashi reached out to grab the toy, wandering over to the counter. "I can pay for it," Kei offered, going to pull out his wallet.

"No, no, no. It's fine. I got this," Tadashi insisted. And Kei couldn't argue anymore, because he was already at the counter. He came back with the plastic bag, handing it to Kei.  
"Let me pay for something else then, at least."

Tadashi smiled, taking his hand again as they left the shop. "You could buy us food then?" he suggested softly.

Kei sighed, "You were gunna make me buy it weren't you, anyway?" he asked. Tadashi smiled, pulling Kei's arm around his shoulders.

 

They settled in the park with their food, the conversation flowing with ease. But then again, it always had. "Are we going to tell the club? About us?" Tadashi asked, sipping on his drink.

"Do you want to?" Kei asked. Tadashi shrugged.

"It might make things easier. Less awkward."

"Or more awkward," Kei reasoned.

"How come?"

Kei glared at him. "How do you think Hinata's going to react to us being gay? Or Kageyama? Honestly, those two idiots will probably freak out," he muttered, sipping at his milkshake. Tadashi cocked his head to one side,

"Do you really think that about them?"

"Of course I do."

Tadashi leaned back, "You don't have much faith in them, do you?" he paused, "I don't think Hinata or Kageyama would be that hateful,"

"Oh no, I don't think they'd be hateful, I just think that they'd probably assume we want to watch them changing or whatever. They'd be too stupid to think about it properly."

Tadashi chuckled, clicking his tongue. "You're not in a good place at the minute, so I'm discounting all your negative opinions."

"I'm negative anyway, so that doesn't really matter."

Tadashi shrugged. "You have your moments." He leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees. He smiled happily at him. "I'm happy to be here, you know. With you," he said. Kei was taken aback, biting his lip. He didn't say anything, but he reached out to grab Tadashi's hand. The brunet smiled, and they sat like that for a little bit. It was a nice day, considering it was winter. They sat beside a tree, in a spot of sunlight. Tadashi licked his lips, "Tsukki...Kei," he spoke softly. "Look at me, please." Kei looked up at him, and in a sudden he felt Tadashi lean forwards, and he felt his lips pressed against his.

It was a bit of a shock, but he soon relaxed into it. He rested his hands against Tadashi's for a moment or two. Tadashi's hands reached up to touch at Kei's neck, and shoulders, pulling him closer. Kei sighed, and Tadashi nipped at his lips. Kei felt his tongue in his mouth, and he reached out to touch Tadashi's face. He had never done anything like that before, and Kei was sure Tadashi hadn't either. He was so nervous about it, but now it felt right. It felt good, to kiss Tadashi like that. He'd wanted to for so long. They eventually pulled back, Kei cradling Tadashi's face, their foreheads touching. They breathed together, softly, happily. Kei wasn't done, he wasn't ready to let that moment end. He kissed him again. It felt like such a perfect moment. Tadashi's skin was warm under his touch, his lips were soft. Kei's heart felt lighter, under that tree in the fading light, in the middle of winter. He didn't want it to end.

They walked home together, clinging to one another. They'd been quieter since then, and there was comfort in that silence. They reached Kei's house, and they turned to face each other. "See? I wasn't bored today," Tadashi said, smiling gently. "I'm glad of that," Kei murmured. Tadashi stared at him, for a moment or two. It was Kei who leaned forward this time, kissing Tadashi tenderly. His fingers ghosted across his cheeks for a moment before pulling back. "Good night," he whispered.

"Night, Tsukki." And it felt like it was back to normal. He'd called him Kei before. He'd used his first name. And now they were back to that nickname. Tadashi backed up the drive, walking back to his house. He loved him. God, he loved him.

He wandered back into the house, and found both Akiteru and his mother stood in the kitchen. His mum was smiling gently, her hair pulled away from her face messily. He knew they both knew. He looked down, thanking the stars he'd left his triceratops in the hallway. His mum nodded, "So...Tadashi, hm?" she asked, after a moment. Kei was lost for a second.

"Yeah," he finally said.

"Well, you always were so close, I suppose it's only natural. Mrs Yamaguchi and I always used to joke that you and him were like that, but...well, look what happened." She raised an eyebrow, sipping at her drink.

"I only started liking him last year," Kei replied. His mum raised her eyebrows, nodding.

"You managed to hold onto the same boy for a whole year? At your age. That is quite extraordinary," she smiled, nodding at him. "I think your dad would like to know."

Kei froze, looking up at her. "Isn't he asleep?" he asked. She shook her head,

"He was reading when I went up a few minutes ago." Akiteru took his leave, and his mother moved closer, wrapping her arm around her son. "You're getting taller, you know. Maybe you'll be as tall as me someday." He smiled, and she sighed. "I think you and Tadashi are going to be together for a long time. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to encourage your fifteen year old relationship. Most relationships started in high school don't matter. But you two," she chuckled, "he's put up with a lot of shit from you. It'll certainly take a lot to turn him off you. A lot of people pull apart, in college, after that, but I think you two stand a chance. And I mean that. So...I want you to go tell your dad. Because he'll know that you and Tadashi were meant to be as well, and he'll want to know. He wants to know about these things. Akiteru already introduced his girlfriend. I think...he'd like to know who his boys want to spend the rest of their lives together," she let out a shaky breath. It was getting easier to talk about this sort of stuff. It was difficult, but...they were learning.

"Alright. I'll go," Kei said, hugging his mother close before heading up the stairs.

 

The light was still on in his dad's room when he knocked. "Dad? Can I come in?" he called.

"Kei? Yeah, yes, go ahead." He pushed the door open. His dad was sat in bed, a beanie hat on top of his head, his book clutched in his frail hands. He was smiling brightly at his son. Kei remembered when he used to have dirty blonde hair, just like Akiteru had. It was all gone now. "I um," Kei let in a deep breath. "I went on a date...with Tadashi today." His dad nodded, his smile not faltering.

"Oh...your mum always thought you two were so good together," he sighed, "I can imagine she's over the moon."

"Yeah, but...what do you think?"

His dad closed his eyes, still smiling. "You two are very good together. You make an excellent pair - you'll probably be even better as a couple. He'll treat you right. He's a good boy. He's good for you," he nodded.

Kei smiled. "I like him a lot," he admitted quietly. His dad nodded, smiling at him.

"Good. I hope he makes you happy for a long time." He sat with him for a long time, talking with his dad. They spoke about a lot of things, and for a moment, he actually forgot the situation he was in. And then it came the time for his father to go to sleep, and Kei got up from his seat, turning off the light, and shutting the door.

 

Kei spent the next weekend with the Yamaguchi family, as usual. They did homework, watched TV, ate dinner with the family. But he noticed that Tadashi had kept his hands off him the whole time. And his suspicions were confirmed when they went up to bed, and he was staying in his room. "Your parents don't know, do they?" Kei breathed. Tadashi turned to him, his chest heaving, his eyes shining.

"No," he moved forwards, "But can you blame me?" He grabbed Kei, kissing him much harder than he had before. Like usual, Kei floundered, unsure what to do. Tadashi was so much stronger than he was when it came to kissing. He didn't know where it came from. Had he had practice, or-

And then he snapped out of it, and started really kissing back. He backed up, his legs hitting Tadashi's bed, and they pulled away for a second to situate themselves. Kei was leaning back, Tadashi on top of him. The freckled boy smiled shyly, and he looked so beautiful in the low orange light from his bedside lamp. Kei sighed, running his hands over his face. Tadashi kissed the palm of his hand, nuzzling closer. "I love you," he whispered. Tadashi laughed, pulling himself up. He ran his fingers through Kei's hair, studying his face. He kissed his cheeks, his forehead, his neck. "I love you too," he sighed. Kei kept running his fingers through his hair, biting his lip between kisses. He was so lucky to be there. He was so lucky to have him. He didn't want to be apart from him.

 

They settled down to sleep together in Tadashi's bed. It must have been early in the morning. It was still dark out. Kei felt someone shaking him. "Kei, Kei," he opened his eyes, his vision fuzzy.

"What is it?" He reached for his glasses on the side table. Tadashi shifted next to him, sitting up. Tadashi's dad stood over them. His face was stern, sorrowful. "I'm...your mother just called, Kei," he breathed out, he shut his eyes. "She thinks...it's time. Your dad is..."

Kei went cold. He knew this was going to happen. Of course, he knew. He'd been preparing for this for weeks. It had come too soon. It had always come too soon. He wasn't ready. He felt angry, distraught, panicked, but mostly he just felt numb. "Akiteru's coming to get you. I'm so sorry." Tadashi leaned closer, putting his hands on his shoulders. Kei felt his lower lip quiver, and he burst into tears. He put his hands over his eyes, Tadashi was hugging him from behind, running his hands over his back. He slowly put shoes on, gathering up his stuff. But it felt like it took so much energy, even with Tadashi and his father helping. He came down the stairs, and Tadashi's mother was in the hallway. She was clutching her chest. Tadashi was still holding him, and Kei was clinging to him, sobbing hopelessly. He felt so empty, so panicked. So scared. It was so hard to think. He felt like he was underwater. Drowning. He heard the home phone going off, and there seemed to be a general consensus. They knew what it meant. It was silent for a moment, before Kei started whimpering and sobbing again. He felt relatively calm before, but now he was completely distraught. He couldn't breathe, and he felt Tadashi patting him on the back and whispering in his ear but he didn't hear it because his dad was _dead_.

His dad was dead.

And that was it.

He'd read books about this subject before. He'd read other people's view. He'd seen this called "the great and terrible ten". To Kei, this wasn't something he could rate. It wasn't like that. It wasn't the same as any other pain. He could be given a thousand pains, and it still wouldn't feel the same as what he felt in that moment. It was a dull, numbing ache. It was completely incapacitating.

Akiteru arrived, his face stained with tears, and he looked at his little brother, and he got up from where he was sitting with Tadashi, and he clung to his  brother. He couldn't let him go, he didn't want him to  go too. He couldn't let him slip through his fingers. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he kept whispering. Like it was his fault. But it wasn't anyone's fault.

The days went by. The "Get well soon!" cards that scattered the mantel piece were thrown out, and replaced with "Our Greatest Condolences". For a little while, he just couldn't summon the energy to leave his room. He lay in bed, barely touching his food, hugging the little triceratops toy to his chest, as if that would make it easier. He went back to school on Tuesday. For routine, and routine alone. There was no real reason. He just couldn't stand to be at home anymore. He passed his father's bedroom every time he tried to leave. He couldn't stand it anymore. He kept in regular contact with Tadashi, though. And he was waiting for him at their usual spot. He hugged Kei tightly. "Are you okay?" he whispered. He nodded numbly. His face felt  raw. Tadashi held his hand tightly, and they wandered in silence.

They arrived at practice, Tadashi frowned at him. "Are you okay? You don't have to,"

"It's fine," he sighed, opening the club room. They were the last ones there, they changed in silence, before walking towards the gym. He breathed in deeply, before opening the door.

 

Everyone turned to look at them. Daichi raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Kei closed his eyes. He had to say something. "I um..." he bit his lip. "I can't play properly...my dad," his lip quivered, and Tadashi instantly took his hand, squeezing it. "My dad died on Saturday, and it's..." Kei bit his lip, shutting his eyes. The room went silent. Ryuu and Yuu looked at each other, their mouths falling open in sympathy and horror. Koushi clutched at his chest. Daichi nodded knowingly. Kei heard someone walking towards him, and he looked up to see Shoyo coming towards him. He wrapped his arms around Kei's middle. And after a moment, he hugged back. Everything he managed to keep down resurfaced, and he felt Tadashi hug him from behind. The other club members joined in, and he felt all of them around him, muttering their condolences. He didn't want to cry in front of them, because he didn't want to embarrass himself. But no one said anything as he stood there, surrounded by his team mates. He cried for longer than he wanted to admit, but it helped. In a small way. It helped.

 

It was difficult to adjust. It was really hard to adjust. The funeral was the worst to get through. It was hard accepting that that was it. His dad was gone. In a small part of his brain, he was glad. His dad had been in so much pain. It was hard to bear. He couldn't stand watching it anymore. He didn't want to watch someone he loved so much grow weak and die. And he was glad it was finally over. But his dad had been so full of life, so eager. He had made Kei's childhood the happiest he could ever think of. Even when he got sick the first time, he had still played with him. He didn't want to die. So it was hard to let go. Because he kept thinking about how difficult that must have been. But it had become easier to cope. Shoyo was surprisingly good at helping. He was good with emotions. He was good at comforting. And he had Tadashi to help. They hadn't given up their weekend sleepovers, but once the Yamaguchi parents were aware that they were dating, Kei had had to migrate to the spare bedroom during the night.

 

Winter came and passed, and spring did too. Kei still felt sad. That was never going to end. That was never going to change. But he was getting better. Before he knew it, it was summer already, and he was lying on his back in Tadashi's garden. He had his head resting on his boyfriend's chest, looking up at him. His skin was much darker now in the long, hot days, and his freckles were more prominent. Kei smiled at him, sighing, he leaned up, pressing his lips firmly to Tadashi's. They kissed passionately, the dark haired boy sat up, running his hands down Kei's back. He sighed, biting at Kei's lips. They heard banging on the window, and the two boys jumped away each other. Tadashi's mother was stood at the window, shaking her head disapprovingly.

They laughed. Kei trying to hide his blush. "So, you picked the book this time?" he asked, biting his lip.

"Yeah, it's um...it's a little bit...heavy, I guess. But I think it would be good for you to read it." He held it in his hands, turning it over. "Plus it has some pretty cool illustrations."

"Okay, what's it called?" Kei leaned over and read the title. " _A Monster Calls_ , huh? Alright then."

They settled back down against the pillows and blankets they had set up. Kei resting his head on Tadashi's chest again. The freckled boy kissed the top of his head, "We'll read until we get tired, alright?" he confirmed. Kei nodded, leaning in closer.

" _The _monster_  showed up after midnight. As they do._" Kei looked over the black and white illustrations in the book, before closing his eyes and listening to Tadashi's voice. He felt warm and safe. He'd made the right choice. He loved Tadashi, and with him, it was going to be okay.

He was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Christmas everyone! I hope you all have great days!  
> I tried really hard to update all my current fanfictions today, so this and 2 others were written in about 3 days so, um...that might explain some stuff. :/  
> Anyway I'm really grateful to all of you who stuck around to see the story to it's end, so thank you for that!!  
> My tumblr is anri-kun.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> The book Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were reading is called Titus Groan by Mervyn Peake, and it's part of the Gormenghast series. Really good set of books I suggest y'all read.  
> This fanfiction was going to be a one off, but after planning it, it was kinda too long to put into one chapter. It also has a lot of emotion in it, and some experiences that are really close to my heart, so be gentle with it, please!


End file.
